Monday, June 23, 2008

Pagan Christianity or Pure Poo?

So, I read "Pagan Christianity" and if I meet one more person who tells me how mind blowing this book is then I'm going to kick them in their wedding tackle.

I guess that I should break this book down chapter by chapter but remember "This Is Spinal Tap" where one of their albums, "Shark Sandwich," was reviewed as "S*#t Sandwich"? Well, here is my review of "Pagan Christianity"...POOP! It is poop. A big bowl of butt brownies!

Maybe I'll return to it since everyone seems to think it is so "incisive" but, if you've read the book, then maybe you'll appreciate the blogger iMonk's reactions--

Today, the Internet Monk Web Site ™ brings a special gift of proverbial, anecdotal and Zen-like wisdom as a gift for those angry young (and not so young) men who are burning down churches to make room for coffee shops.

Put on some punk rock, light the incense sticks and turn down the lights so I can see that Che poster in black light. Thank you.

(If you can’t remember these bits of wisdom, they will be available in my new book, Wisdom for Angry Guys Who Are Really Angry, coming to a bookstore near you.)

He who does not learn from history is doomed to repeat it. (Wait. How did that get in here?)

George Barna will surely refute- with unassailable statistical evidence- any book with his name on it within ten years of its publication.

Institutional churches, with all their problems, do most of the tangible good that Christians do in this world. (There’s another one.)

Jesus was an observant Jew who endorsed Judaism, complete with hierarchy, liturgy and song leaders. (What?)

The Quakers reinvented Christianity better than anyone since. Find a meeting house near you.

Even dogs know that buildings are not people.

Tithing is not unbiblical. It’s old covenant. Book selling and conference speaking, however, are biblical.

He who renounces baptism as pagan must also renounce using the names of the days of the week and the months of the year. Perhaps Monday could be Mclaren Day, Tuesday Wallis Day and so on.

He who says “the Bible must be read in context” usually means “If you want to understand the Bible, read it like me.” Therefore, proclaim your authority to your followers, take a new name and wear funny clothes.

Dressing up in church is a sin, unless the clothes are casual. In other words, if you wear a suit, you are a Pharisee, but if you wear $200 boots or anything in American Eagle, then Jesus doesn’t mind.

The sermon is pagan. The book that tells you the sermon is pagan is not.

No one should be the designated song leader. Instead, whoever is rude, loud and mentally ill should be allowed to lead. Do not discourage them, as this is hierarchical and pagan.

Restrooms are pagan. Do not use them.

Church should have no hierarchy at all. Please invite me to your conference where I won’t say this, or anything else.

Discipleship should not be mind-focused. In fact, if you comprehended this sentence with your mind, you are already off on the wrong foot. Back up, and try to get this without your mind getting in the way.

All routine in worship is wrong. In fact, follow the following suggestions to be truly Christian:
-Meet on different days of the week, and don’t tell anyone when.
-The same with where you meet. Keep ‘em looking.
-Don’t use the Bible more than once every few weeks.
-Try out another religion entirely every so often, to break the routine.

Marriage is also pagan. Avoid it.

Parenting is a hierarchy. In fact, so is child care of any sort. Jesus said let the children come onto me, so get them into your meetings.

All of Paul’s commands to Timothy about the duties of pastors will be explained in a forthcoming, revolutionary, non-hierarchical book.

Your objections to my wisdom are traditional and pagan. As are you. And your little dog.

Now that you have my latest book explaining what Christianity and the church actually are, no more books, Bibles or meetings are necessary. Your questions betray your need for authority, and your elevation of me to the status of expert shows your sinful, pagan addiction to hierarchy and institutionalism. Now is the time to be silent, to renounce all focus on the mind, to seek to absorb my book in a non-institutional, not-my-senior-pastor way. So go. Be alone. Sit on the mountain. Eat my book and wait for the outcome.